Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Something interesting happened on my way to a resignation...

...life called me by my first name.

For quite some time I have been intending to post to this blog and let you all know that I would be taking a break from painting and from The Capricious Painter...I just couldn't find the right words to say...

January proved to be a stressful month for me. For reasons I can't explain I reentered a serious grieving period over my son. It hadn't been that bad for a while but suddenly its like he died yesterday.

My direct supervisor resigned effective just before Christmas break. To his credit he has moved on to be part of a group that is establishing a brand new company serving the disabled. He will be very good at that but I can't help but wonder if he really knew how good he was at this job and how much we all needed him. Still, he shouldn't let any thing hold him back least of all sentiment. My company has split his job and hired two wonderful people but still, they aren't him now are they? Then two weeks later my counter part resigned his position for a great career change. I'm very happy for both of them but I miss them both. Besides, you know what a drag it is to train a new supervisor...ha ha!

My health has also been an issue. I have struggled with unusually strong palpitations which, believe it or not, leave me exhausted. Saturday night we went to a friends for a gathering. As I was walking across the street with a casserole dish in my hand I was suddenly over whelmed with fatigue and had to hand the dish to my Dana just so I could make it back to the car. Weird huh? So now I'm sentenced to wear a thirty day event monitor so they can try to figure out whats going on.

Speaking of Dana, he has been ill also with a very serious upper respiratory infection. Things at my house have been a continuous cycle of dragging ourselves to work and then back to the house where we both sleep the hours away trying to wake up feeling somewhat normal again.

In the mix of all of this I had been working on a painting. I was struggling with it and was losing the joy of it. I really attribute this to my fatigue. It just felt wrong to me...it began to look horrible to me. I was very unhappy and had decided that my ability to paint was so poor, so without any merit that I should just give it up once and for all. I was unhappy with my inability to break out of my routine use of color, my routine brush strokes, my routine everything. I can't see any growth and don't feel like I have the time or money to devote to improving my skill level. Out of sheer frustration I was just finally done!

.......So I said to my sister LaVonne on the phone the other night in regards to an issue she was dealing with that "if you don't listen to life when it speaks to you it's forced to raise it's voice"......

I had not been upstairs in my studio for weeks, too depressed to go back. Sunday night, no it was actually Monday morning, at 4:11am I heard the biggest crash upstairs. Like things being knocked over and falling to the floor. We had a guest sleeping upstairs in the other room and I was concerned that he had knocked a lamp off of the night stand. I lay there for a while but there was no other sound. The next day neither he or Dana reported hearing the crash. So last night when I got home from work I climbed the stairs up to my studio and opened the door to see if the sound had come from there. It had. Something big fell of the wall where it has hung for a very long time and when it fell it took two other things with it, although nothing was broken. I picked everything up to make sure all was okay and when I turned around there was my unfinished painting on the easel looking back at me. It was a sudden confrontation, I hadn't consciously thought about it before I saw it. My very first thought was "Damn, that's not a bad painting and the sky is beautiful."

I kind of scooted around the room and backed out still watching the painting as though it was going to jump off the easel and follow me down the stairs.

Its not going to win any national juried shows, its not going to be a gallery door buster, but its not a bad painting...and I like it. I like it.

27 comments:

Dar Presto said...

Cara, sweet sweet Cara! Do what you need to do, and remember that you have a HUGE cheering section here for you. I have more to say, I'll be in touch.

Cara Dawn Romero said...

Thank you Dar -

Rachete said...

I really like your blog!

http://racheteapaintersdiary.blogspot.com/

Barbara Pask said...

I'm sorry for all of your struggles lately, we will never understand why things happen in life, guess we are not supposed to. I hope things take a good turn for you as far as your health and everything else. Consider going on with your painting, it is a beautiful start. Sounds like you are supposed to paint it, maybe?

Janelle Goodwin said...

Cara, I'm so sorry that things have been on the downside lately. Your health is more important than anything - including painting. If you take care of you, then there will come a day when the painting will be enjoyable again. I also have had "signs" along the way. All we need to do is listen. Please just give yourself a break and be kind to yourself right now.

Darren Maurer said...

Cara, That sky is amazing. Keep working on it. I very rarely like anything I paint until it almost finished. Your painting is going to be great.
Darren

http://www.onpainting.wordpress.com said...

That is a lovely sky!

Hoping you recover to robust health soon.

Take care of yourself.

Bill

Cara Dawn Romero said...

Good news! The doctor has discovered a problem with the dosage of one of my meds - this accounts for many of my symptoms and is easily correctible - yea!

Rachete - thank you so much for your visit. I visited your blog and loved yours also - I'll be back.

Barbara - thank you for stopping by and for your encouragement. By the way - your painting titled "Shy Girl" stole my heart.

Janelle - Thank you, thank you - your continued support means the world to me.

Darren - like a booster shot, your comment about not liking something until its almost done - I thought that only happened to me.

Bill - thanks for being the loveable nag that you are! Keep it up!

Sandy said...

Wow, Cara, first off, I sure hope you start feeling better and Dana also. This respiratory thing going around is a doozy.

I really like your painting and that sky is gorgeous. Glad you are going to keep on with it. Take care.

Cara Dawn Romero said...

Thank you Sandy -

Marian Fortunati said...

Cara...
I so hope you and your love begin to feel better and see the joy in life again.
Be well, Cara!!

Cara Dawn Romero said...

Thank you Marian -

Brothergrimm said...

It is a nice shade of blue. You just didn't notice before because you were a bad shade of blue. Hope you have, or will soon return to a nice shade.

Cara Dawn Romero said...

Doug - Thank you

http://www.onpainting.wordpress.com said...

Hope you are feeling better. Are you getting any "party" type drugs that you would care to share?

Cara Dawn Romero said...

Bill - I wish I was getting something good that I could share -but the sad truth is that all my drugs these days are "old peoples" drugs - ha ha! Replaced the good stuff with Plavix and Lipitor - ha ha ha! By the time I pay for this crap there is no money left for anything fun -

Mary Sheehan Winn said...

Dearest, life speaks you. That keeos coming back. I'm sorry about the re -immersion into grief for Andrew. I believe I would feel the same. I ache for you, yet I know what a pain that must be. Always having to be "fine" to everyone so they aren't reminded that you aren't FINE. Thank You.
Hugs, Dear Cara.
XO

Cara Dawn Romero said...

Thank you Mary

TSL said...

I wish I was there to give you a ((((hug))) and have a cup of coffee with you. Goodness your way.

The Voice said...

Cara,

I'd like to chat directly with you about this - nothing earth-shattering just a chat. perhaps coffee sometime if that isn't going to send you off into the next life that is.

be safe,
J

Cara Dawn Romero said...

Tina (TSL)
Thank you for visiting and for your kind words -
I visited your site and it was wonderful - I'll become a frequent visitor now that I know where you are.

Cara Dawn Romero said...

Voice - I would like that. However for the time being it will have to be cyber-coffee since I'm too far away for the real thing. Please email me at cara.romero@yahoo.com - I'll waiting for that chat.

http://www.onpainting.wordpress.com said...

Just checking in - hope your life is moving in a good direction.

Loriann Signori said...

Cara,
I loved visiting your blog. I hope you are feeling better and please be kind to yourself during this time of stress. I'll be back to check into your latest news and art.
PS The sky has a wonderful airy effect.

Cara Dawn Romero said...

Loriann - thank you so much for your comment. I was on your blog too - wonderful work you're doing over there -

Ron Morrison said...

Well...it looks good and its in progress and thats good...

Cara Dawn Romero said...

Thanks for stopping by Ron -