Something from very long ago - early 1980'sHi guys. I know - it's been a very long time since I posted anything and obviously a long time since I have painted anything.
I'm tired, tired and sad. I do nothing these days but work and sleep. And even in that I find no peace. Constantly dreaming about things that slip from my memory when I open my eyes but then haunt me all day long. Seriously - bit and fragments come to me all day long. I almost grab hold of them and they vanish. It's been going on for a while now and its driving me crazy.
I dream a lot about buildings and room and hallways and passages and I wake knowing that there was something or someone there in the dream but I just can't recall enough of it to sort it out. I think that's why I am sleeping so much - I'm trying to catch hold of it and pull it forward so I can work on it.
In just about a month I am going home to my beloved New Mexico for a couple of weeks. At the risk of sounding like I'm losing my marbles I will say that I almost feel like I'm being summoned to return. I can't hardly wait - its about all I have right now that makes each day worth stumbling through.
I almost feel like I am needing to return home to find something.
Hopefully when I return I will be renewed and ready to go again. Hopefully I will paint dozens of canvases when I get back. Hopefully I will once again be a painter...
11 comments:
Yes missed you girl. I am trying to become a painter. I guess you are having painter's block. I am a mom of 6 and gm of 12. I have been up and down in life moodwise like a roller coaster. Just hang on and the sun will shine. Blessings
QMM
Your eyes saw my unformed substance, and in Your book all the days of my life were
written before ever they took shape, when as yet there was none of them."
Psalms 139:16
(Queenmothermamaw has this verse posted onher blog)
Your visit and posting are so timely to me - thank you very much.
You're depressed Cara. Things can get better but you need to reach out and ask for help. Medication, counseling, grief support. I don't understand why things happen the way they do, but I do know that it's important that we go the distance. Have a good trip home, but remember, everything we need is already inside of us, the love we give and receive in our lifetime never diminishes, never abandons us. You are not alone.
I was wondering where the heck you were!
I would imagine your dreams, if recurring, are something you're brain is trying to work through, something you might not even be consciously aware of. Maybe you are depressed, I dunno. I'm no doctor/dream interpreter. I just know the dreams are typically the garbage in your brain that hasn't been taken out/recycled yet. Your stresses tend to create more garbage for your brain, and depression probably wouldn't be helpful either. Starting a new job, anticipating an argument, that stuff can easily become dream fodder for me.
If New Mexico feels the right way to go, then by all means blaze them trails--we'll all be here when you get back, paintings in hand or otherwise.
You're probably right - I am on antidepressants but still haven't bounced back to where I need to be.
Still, I'm so looking forward to my trip home -
Doug - long time no read...yes, it's probably some depression. I'm usually pretty good at fighting it off but not lately. These dreams are quite another story - they are driving me crazy.
It sucks sometimes that your brain can't be more forthcoming with what's wrong with you and just tell you in your dream "THIS IS WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU". It has to talk to you in symbols and metaphor.
I'm sorry to hear that you're not feeling yourself these days. Been there myself. I'm hoping your trip to New Mexico refreshes you and clears out the cobwebs. It's so good to get away and gain a new perspective. I'll be thinking of you.
Cara,
i think it has a lot to do with your son. I dream about my mom often. I either hear she's in town or she's back but I keep going to where she's at (dowb hallways, etc), and can never find her.
It's about the loss.
Dee
Dee - I agree, the loss is bigger than I could have ever imagined and most days I deal with it but some days it kncoks the wind out of me.
been thinking of you, Cara. {{{{Cara}}}}
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